Loneliness Part One

Today I am sick.

I am bouncing back and forth between shivering and sweating, acheing and not.

Hours of laying in this quiet, blue bedroom have given ample time for thought.

I thought of my grandparents and their sweet, simple laughs; I thought of my brothers; I thought of old relationships, past mistakes; I thought of my parents. I thought of old friends; I thought of new friends; I thought of change and fears and hopes. I thought of loneliness, and then I stopped.

Loneliness.

What is it?

Is it a disease? Is it a drug? Why does it drive us? Why is it feared? Why is it that lonliness must be avoided at all costs? If it is not avoided, however, and is accepted, why then do those who accept it become so awkward?

People marry to avoid it, stay in abusive relationships to avoid it, lie to avoid it, serve to avoid it, pray to avoid it, die to avoid it, and go crazy if it ever catches them. What is it that makes this hurt so powerful and suffocating? What is it that we are all so afraid of?